That's why I believe so much in taking the time we've been given so seriously. To make the most of our lives, to touch as many as we can in the process. The memory of ourselves doesn't have to end at death if we would only reach out and make a difference even if only in the life of one. To make ourselves seen and heard and remembered. And even if you find your voice too soft to be heard above the crowd, it's never too late to live out loud.
~ Kate
I've learned that my faith can no longer be based on what my parent's taught me or what I grew up believeing. You reach a certain age, a certain point in your life where they (your beliefs) just have to become your own. I walked away from so many things I'd always held to be true as a child, a couple of years ago and over the last week, I feel as though I've started to come back.
"Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off." Prov. 23:18
I just read that the other day and even if you're not religious, it is a comforting statement and it really is so true. Never lose hope, remember always that you have a future. Life is waiting to be lived, if only we'd choose to live it...
~ Kate
This statement is so true and it's the overcoming of suffering that makes us who we are and who become. I've often said that if given the chance, I wouldn't change anything about my life because I feel that I've become a far more stronger person and a far more understanding person due to all that I've seen and experienced.
I realize that had I never went through depression or felt so alone, I would never built this site and I would likely had no accomplishments with which to give my life meaning and purpose. So, as a friend reminded just a few days ago-- Don't just dream, FIGHT. Dreams might help us get through the day but it's the fighting for those dreams and for the life that you know you can have that gives you a real purpose, a real reason to keep on going despite the darkness you may find yourself having to run blindly through.
To leave you with one final quote by Helen Keller-- Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.
~ Kate
I've watched my share of loved ones go through the darkest times only to come out an angry, bitter, and broken person. And at moments in my own life, and even still now, I've experienced all of these feelings myself.
We can be young on the outside but aged far beyond our years in the heart and soul. We all need love and security but when they fall away from us... who are we to turn too? I have my faith and belief in God to help sustain me in the darkest of times but too often, even these can be forgotten and maybe that's where life gets even darker.
I have no hope to offer today, just the strength to tell whomever may be reading this. If you can't seem to go beyond existence to really live... NEVER STOP DREAMING. And never give into the belief that there isn't life, I mean really LIVING, out there somewhere. It's there... look for it ... and when you find it, take hold of it with all of the strength that you have. And Never Let Go.
~ Kate
A Dream will ALWAYS triumph over reality, Once it is given a chance.
And a personal favorite of mine--
Some people dream of worthy accomplishments while others stay awake to do them.
Just a couple of things to think about as we start off the month.
~ Kate
On a sandy stretch of shore, hundreds of starfish have stranded themselves in the sand. A young woman is walking slowly among them, picking one up here and there and throwing it back into the sea. A passerby sees her, laughs and points out the futility of her actions. "There are so many of them," the stranger scoffs. "You can't save them all. What you're doing is a waste of time. It doesn't matter." The woman picks up a starfish and throws it back into the ocean. "It mattered to that one," She replies.
Even the smallest of actions, though appearing futile or a waste of time, can change the life of someone and even the difference made in the life of one person is worth all of the time and effort in the World.
You may be only one person to the world, but you may be the world to one person. Never stop trying to make a difference...
~ Kate
But, in a large sense, dreams can only make clearer the very things our own life is hopelessly lacking. In some instancences they can push us further into the depths of despair and with each dream, it gets harder and harder to return once again to our scrambled, uncertain lives.
I can't tell you how many times I've dreamed myself though the day, through my job, through my classes. Sometimes, as I've come to discover, all we can place our concentration on, is simply getting through the day. Life can become so complicated and dark that it becomes impossible to look beyond the next 24 hours.
Now don't get me wrong, I have plans for my future, what job I'd like to shoot for, what college courses I need to take to get there, what kind of wedding I'd like to have... But I seem to find it so much easier to see my life years down the line than a year from now. I guess I'm just holding onto the hope that my life will turn out in the long run, the next couple of years may be difficult, but I'd like to get to where it is that I'm hoping to be several years from now. Life doesn't always turn out the way we planned, but heck, we can dream about it can't we?
~ Kate
Watching my father treat our mother this way also had a huge effect on my brothers and I. Both of my brothers learned that it was all right to say or do whatever they wanted even if our mother was against it, they had our father's blessing.
As I've said before, I never had to deal with physical abuse from my father, toward my mother or anyone else. I have however, known what it's like to be hit and attacked by my brother. I've known what it's like to be punched on more than one occasion. And this, again, stems back to the influince my father had on my brothers.
I've never had the strength to talk about any of this before but I know that it's through writing it to you and talking about it, that I can begin the healing process. Remember, you don't have to take it. You don't deserve any of it... FIGHT BACK. Whenever my brother hit me or attacked me, I fought back and I always felt better about myself for it. Don't take it, lying down. Get up and fight. You know you deserve better...
~ Kate
~ Kate
Life has been absolutly crazy, sometimes I think that I'm just getting through the days, the weeks, the months so blindly. It's one of the scariest moments in your life to admit to yourself that everything's so uncertain. School, money, family, etc.
Sometimes plundging in with a blindfold over our eyes is the only way that we can finally break free. I've stood around before, just waiting for things to fall into place. Like, maybe if I prayed hard enough, that God would suddenly answer by making the world right... or at least my life. But sometimes, stepping out when we have no idea where we're headed or how we'll get there is the very thing that makes us stronger, that makes us who we are. A road of difficulty makes for a sweet destination and maybe we can reach out and help a few others get there along the way...
~ Kate
As long as I hurt, I know I am feeling and I can use the emotions that come with it to write on here, to write to you, to be doing something other than sitting in my bed, staring at the wall. With emotion, comes relief and with relief, comes healing. Don't stop hoping and don't ever stop caring about your life, LIVE SO YOU CAN CHANGE IT.
~ Kate
So many of us run to other people for comfort just because we need SOMEONE and not because we need THEM. The truth is that happiness really can't be found in any one person. I believe in love and the power it can have to change lives but I also hope that when I fall in love one day, that I won't base whether I'm happy or not all on him. It just wouldn't be fair. We're all human, we make mistakes, sometimes lots of them. And I also pray that I turn around to find him... not because I'm needing someone, but because I'm needing HIM.
~ Kate
A LOT of updates to the site. First off, I created an ABOUT ME page so if you'd like to know a bit about who it is that's writing all of these daily thoughts, there's your chance. To that, I added another Sarah McLachlan song- "Prayer of St. Francis" but this time, it's a hidden track so there's no way of turning it off if you want. Let me know if this is a problem.
Also added to the ABOUT ME page are two links you'll find at the bottom. The first is to my myspace profile in case you're interested. Feel free to check it out. The second, is a new page I've added to the site including a few of the short stories I've written that I feel really pertain to the issues covered on this webite such as alcoholism, depression, etc. There are only three there now but more are to come. Though they have to do with my current writing interest-- Law and Order: SVU, you'd DON'T have to have seen the show or know the characters to read them. They only cover issues not the typical crime/drama/law plots on the show, so please read and see what you think.
~ Kate
I will however, be starting job hunting right away and also looking for an apartment. Where I'm going, I'll be staying with a friend until I find my own place so my computer time might shrink a little.
I've been writing so much more than usual but I guess I'm just preparing myself for the small amount of time I'll have for it later. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read my story.
I can't explain the mixed emotions that I'm feeling right now. I want to go and I want to stay. I want to see my dad and brother again and I don't want to have to sort through all of the angry and hurt feelings that come with it. I want to give up and I want to find out what it is that I'm meant to do with my life. The journey's been crazy but it will have all been worth it if I can only find the purpose in it all. Until later,
~ Kate
I have made an update this week to the background song of the main page. The current song is now "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan and I found the words so appropriate to this website. Let me know what you think!
I have been a bit caught up in my writing of late, my current interest being Law and Order: SVU fanfiction. My most recient story written only a couple of days ago can be accessed by clicking here. It's a short 700 word scene about alcoholim so even if you've never watched the show, you might find it interesting and even something you can relate to if you've ever known what it is like to watch a loved one struggle with alcoholism and you felt powerless to do anything about it. Any comments, feedback, suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
~ Kate
And yet, we have to know that if we were somehow able to control the lives of others, this world and the people who inhabit it would be so much more boring than we can ever imagine.
I've always been such a dreamer... as a child, I created an entirely different life for mysef inside my head, where I controlled the outcome. I controlled every twist and turn and I decided whether things went wrong or not. I guess what I've come to discover over the years though, is that we can only to a certain extent control where our own life leads. I believe there is a purpose for everthing and that everything happens for the good of a higher plan. I believe in God. And I believe that my entire life's meaning rests in him.
I have no idea where I'm going and to be quite truthful, it scares the hell out of me but if there's one thing I'm certain of, it's this--- I'm NEVER alone.
~ Kate
I spent Valentine's Day alone... stopped at Wal-mart, grabbed a parfait and watched an X-Files movie... how romantic... I guess what makes being alone that much harder is that no one seems to notice or care that they're just leaving you to yourself just about every moment of every day. You begin to feel as though the only reason you're thought of at all is that they need you when there's nothing better to do.
Anyway, I guess I'm just a litte down, or rather a lot down but we all get those days, or entire weeks even. It's during these times that I find it most easy to write so I suppose at least something creative comes out of it all.
I've been thinking a lot about what all this means. Asking out loud--- "Why did you bring me here, God? To a place where I would live only three months--- three months that would feel like three years--- only to send me back to where I originally moved from? Back to where I started."--- At the moment, it remains a bit of a mystery but maybe just because I've been through such Hell and I really don't want to see any good in it. Maybe I just don't want to see and I'm not giving God the chance to make it all clear and make it all worth something. Maybe it's me who's slammed the door shut... not just slammed it shut but locked it up tight and thrown away the key... Maybe it's me. It is me...
~ Kate
I guess I've moved an awful lot over the years of my life. I've now lived in four different states and I'll be moving to my eighth house. I'm hopeful though, that this time the place I'm going too will finally be a place I can call home. It's both scarey and exciting at the same time. Wish me luck...
I've been thinking a lot about what I hope to do with my life in the future and sometimes it just leaves me with so many fears. I have yet to do so much, to discover so much, to find myself before I can ever accomplish anything. And yet... I have no idea yet as to what those things are. What am I supposed to be doing right now? I have no answer and it scares the hell out of me.
Fear is such a powerful, suffocating feeling. Yet, it is the easiest of emotions to give into. Up until this point, I always felt as though my life really didn't mean much in the grand sceam of things but now, I've come to realize that I've been wrong all of this time and that it only takes one person and one moment to change the world. The question is do we want the responsibility of it?
When my life comes to an end, I don't want my name to die with me. I want to have done semething to be remembered for years to come and even if it's not me that's remembered, I want to leave others behind who's lives are changed because of something I've done.
I want to leave a legacy.
~ Kate
And it's especially sad to discover that all of the people on those videos are leading more successful lives than you or at least at the moment, that's how it seems. One's becoming a film maker, another an architect, another a lawyer and you just begin to wonder... where am I in all of this?? What am I doing with my life? Where am I heading?
And in a way, it's all very good. You find yourself questioning everything you should have asked yourself a year ago and now your left with yet another question-- why did I wait so long to see all of this??
It's never too late to get your life started. To head toward that goal you made ages ago. To realize the dreams you only thought about but never believed possible. You only have one life to live so why not live it in the most amazing way possible?
I feel as though most of what I've done in life, has been driven by fear. Academic choices, job choices, acting in a play, singing at my church...I've missed out on so much that I could have had a blast doing because I thought I might not be good enough. But you know what? I guess now I'll never know, will I?
"The Brave may not live forever, but the cautious don't live at all."
~ Kate
There are moments in my life where I'm afraid, angry, upset, emotional, happy, etc. And there are moments when I feel all of it so overwhelmingly at once. I get days where I cry every few minutes over nothing and days where I feel bitter or moody over everything. And there are moments, yes very few and very short, but actual moments where I feel as though everything is going to be all right, everything is happening for a purpose. These are the moments when I'm thinking most clearly.
Yes, there are reasons that I'm afraid and angry and upset but if I live my life focused on those reasons, legitmizing why I feel the way I feel, life's just going to pass me by. I can remember writing on my blog one night-- "My life is waiting... If only I'd choose to live it."
And I feel as though I've finally made that choice, to live my life to the fullest extent. Without reservation, without all of the bitterness weighing me down and holding me back. The only way to live in the present is to let go of the past and look to the future...
It progresses more and more heavily until it happens every night and you start to feel as though you're living with one person by day and another at night. You cry into the darkness at night and you tell yourself that you'll never forgive them. Tomorrow morning you're not going to get up and act like nothing ever happened like you do every morning. But, by morning you've somehow fooled yourself into believing that today will be different. Tonight it won't happen. But it does... and there's nothing you can do to change it. You can't make someone want to live. You can't make them want to change.
You feel as though the only thing you can do is cry or scream or lock yourself in your room at night. Away from the hopelessness, from the sadness...from this different person. You've never seen this side of them before, not until they started drinking. But I guess, it's because... It's really not them. You feel like there's nothing you can do and all you can keep thinking is--- you want them back.
All you can do is tell them you're here and you're not going anywhere, even if they want you too. And there might come a time that you do have to step back . I used to feel guilty if I wasn't there to help them through the night and then I realized that it wasn't my fault just like the drinking wasn't my choice... it was theirs.
Sometimes, all you can do is pray. I don't know where I'd be without my faith. It's carried me through--- Even through the nights where I found myself crying or screaming or locked in my room...
I will be making updates to the site in the future so if you have any comments or suggestions, please feel free to e-mail them to me. Also, as you can see, my artwork section is completely empty and I really don't have any artistic skills so if you have anything you would like submit, please do so as well as poetry or inspirational stories.
I hope the music in the background isn't bothersome to visitors but I chose to make the player viewable at the bottom of the screen for those that might prefer to turn it off. Let me know if it's a problem.
Later!
~ Kate