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| ~Daily Thoughts~ |
| Daily thoughts written by me...or at least, I try to write daily. Sorry if I get caught up in things here at home and forget to write. Words of encouragement or possibly whatever just pops into my head, whichever comes to me first... |
| *NEW ENTRY |
| May 6, 2006 "Even though I'm the sacrifice, You won't try for me, not now. Though I'd die to know you love me... I'm all alone Isn't someone missing me?" --- Missing by Evanescence Above are just a few lines from a song I found myself so able identify with about a year ago. When I sang the words aloud for the first time, I realized that, although he wasn't there to hear me, I was singing them to him... that "someone" in the song was my father. At thirteen, I first noticed that my father wasn't all that he should have been in any of our lives and it took me until eighteen to forgive him. I'm happy to say that I've finally reached that point in my life where I can move on and not be so depressed about what was missing. Although, that's certainly not to say that I don't have my bad days every now and then. What am I trying to say?? I suppose I'm saying quite simply that there's hope. Hope to move on and do well despite the emptiness that may have once been there. Pain never dies but it certainly does fade over time. We can get past it... you can get past it... I got past it.... ~ Kate May 2, 2006 "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." I heard this statement in a song that I don't know the name of, on my way home from the store today and it really struck me. I'd never thought of it that way but it's so true. To start over, to head in a different direction and hopefully, the right direction, something else must come to an end. It can sort of be such a bitter-sweet moment in our lives when it happens. A couple of months ago, I moved a few hundred miles away from where I'd basically grown up. Not only that, but I found myself moving away from all my friends, my dad, my little brother, and all of the memories that came with all of it. It was so amazingly difficult and yet I find myself realizing that my life is all the better because of it. Through losing everything, I've gained an understanding of myself and who I am and who I hope to be. I rediscovered my faith though it's not to say that my life still isn't a struggle everyday. I'm still in the process of finding myself and finding my place in this world. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... ~ Kate Sorry, I had to start a new page. My system and html and everything else was acting all screwy on me. Entries from Jan. 8, 06- Apr. 21, 06 Entries from April 23- 28, 06 |
| May 8, 2006 Attachments... family ties... at times they seem almost unbreakable, at least for me. When I love someone, I love them with every fiber of my being, with everything that I have and no matter what they do, or say, or don't say, they're impossible not to love. And you can't just walk away, I mean, you can't just walk away without leaving a piece of your heart behind. I know a man who can and a cold wind seems to follow him wherever he goes. He'll hurt anything and anyone to achieve his own desires and then he'll walk away from it all whistling. Break-ups, desertion, it all hurts the same. But I can't help but think that there must be something else down the road. Something far more wonderful to fill that empty space. Sometimes it's only the mere search for that "thing" that keeps us steadily going. And then there's faith... Never stop hoping... it's out there... it's just a matter of time... ~ Kate |
| February 22, 2008 It's strange... I think about it all the time... do I really need someone? All my life, it's all been about survival, really--- mentaly, physically, emotionally. How do you learn to need someone when your entire life has been about never needing anyone? How do you learn to be something else? And yet, we all need someone and we all want to be needed. I suppose that that would be my greatest dream one day... To be needed for me-- not for what I can do for someone but just to be needed for me. Life is crazy and I realize I've let it get the best of me at times so to all my visitors who have continued to check out my website despite my absence--- Thank You all so much :) All my prayers, Kate August 23, 2007 As I'm sure it's been already noticed, the main page of the site has been updated quite a bit as has my e-mail address and there's also a new Contact Page for those who wish to offer suggestions or contributions whether by e-mail or by snail mail :) There will be a lot more updates to come as well! ~ Kate June 11, 2007 A friend sent me this list to fill out... it's quite insightful really... everyone else, feel free to fill in your own answers... I Am: an incurable dreamer and a hopeless romantic I Want: to change not the world, but simply the life of another I Wish: to feel just a bit happy I Hate: feeling as though I have no control I Miss: believing in everything I Fear: dying without making any sort of real difference I Hear: the continuous soundtrack of my life I Wonder: if my dreams are too big I Regret: letting my fears decide where my life has gone so far I Am Not: always as strong as everyone thinks I am I Dance: never, really I Sing: along with every song that I hear I Cry: about others quite easily; about myself in the darkness of my room I Am Not Always: good at sharing my thoughts and emotions I Make With My Hands: scrap-booking is as close as I get to making anything I Write: when my feelings can no longer remain locked inside of me I Confuse: myself sometimes I Need: someone to love me for me (anger, bitterness, sadness, happiness, and all) I Should: be a little less independent... maybe I Start: only what I plan to finish I Finish: all that I've started ~ Kate April 18, 2007 "Why simply live and let live?Live and help live." I open with that statement, which I found on yet another fortune cookie, by the way. I haven't updated in awhile, I realize, but it has only been due to the fact that I'm currently on the search for a place to live and am trying to find another job as well. Thankfully, it's beginning to look as though the job part might have already worked itself out as I've been offered one by the same place I used to work for over a year ago. I have found some time however, to write a bit and just a short time back I wrote a short piece called "Casualty." I'm posting it in the stories section of the site so please, check it out and let me know what you think. It deals with death and the last thoughts one might have... namely, me. Honestly, it stems out of the difficulties my mother and I have been having in our own relationship and the regrets we might have if something were to happen to either of us. Also, I created a new video to the song "Not Ready to Make Nice." A little for my own feelings but also largly for a friend's and the understanding she seems to find in the song. That will be posted as soon as possible as well, whether it be tonight or tomorrow, but no later than tomorrow. My prayers continue to go out to each and every one of you... ~ Kate March 19, 2007 Okay... so I guess I have a bit to share about myself, this entry. I'm at an extremly unsure time in my life. I have no real home at the moment--- a place of my own. I now know what it's like to have lived with my mom and her boyfriend, to have lived in a hotel for a couple of months, and now, to have lived with a distant friend's mother. I have until mid-April to find a place and the job that I managed to get a couple of months ago has cut me back from working thirty eight hours a week, to a mere five hours. I must admit that I'd been a bit glum the past couple of months. How am I supposed to get an apartment without money? How am I supposed to save more money without a better job? How am I supposed to get another job without a car? How am I supposed to get a car without more money? It all felt like a vicious circle, and still does. It's so strange... how do I explain it? The other night it occured to me that never had I been so unsure and yet felt so lucky at the same time. Then I thought-- 'must I be insane as well?' lol. Until about a year ago, I dreamed of nothing more than to go to college, have a nice, well-paying job, find a nice guy to date. Well, life doesn't always turn out the way we planned it and , in my case, it's way off base. But for the first time in my life, I've realized that I'm glad that my dreams never came to be. I've changed so much as a person, and so have my dreams... Over the past year, I'd felt as though my dreams had been shattered, when in reality, my passion was only beginning to take shape. I've never felt this kind of passion before... this kind of... hope for my future. When I first started this website (which, by the way, it's now been over one year!!!), I'd created it out of the hope for nothing more than a platform to share my sadness and hopefully have an understanding, listening audience. I'd wanted desperetly to help a few others in the process but mostly out of the hope that I might create something, anything, that could make me feel as though I was doing SOMETHING for someone else besides myself. I needed purpose... mostly for me. Never did I expect to find such healing through my own changed thoughts and a few friends along the way who showed me that they had a thing or two (or ten) to share with me as well. Yes, I don't have a home right now. Yes, I don't have a much of a job either. Or money. Or a car. I may have to find a studio apartment downtown and furnish it with nothing more than my clothes and an air mattress. I may have to find another job and walk to and from it every day. I may barely have enough to scratch together to pay the bills every month. But yes, I AM LUCKY. I have a purpose. I have a passion. I'm going to be able to help people in the same position one day and tell them that I've truly been there. Dreams die only when we allow them too. Mine may have been shattered but they've been put back together... just in a different shape than they used to be. ~ Kate March 13, 2007 Hey.... it's been a looong time... but I promise to start updating this site again. My only access is still through the library computers, but I'll do my best. I've been away for FAR too long. Thank you all for being so patient with me. I was surprised to return and see that the number of visitors hadn't dwindled down to nothing. lol. Thank you all so much :) I've heard some bad news from a couple of friends whom I found through this site and all of compelled me to come away from my own personal issues to write once again to you, my visitors and friends, except that I wrote a new entry down about a month ago and never posted it. lol. The news effected me far more deeply that I could have ever imagined. And maybe it put a few things into perspective and reminded of how much being here and talking to you all meant to me. I also discovered a new friend through another website who through her very first letter to me, lifted me up in so many ways, and she has no idea of it and it got me to thinking... I've spent many entries on here simply rambling about whatever the heck was on my mind at the moment and maybe, just maybe, it helped someone else through their otherwise difficult day? Anyway, I thought about posting that entry that I wrote a month ago but never posted, until I read back over it and realized that I really don't feel that way at all anymore. Isn't it strange? How life has a way of changing everything about us, all in a quick moment or a single incident? It is strange... yet somehow comforting because often times, when we allow it, those changes can be made for the better of us. And here I am, rambling again. Somethings never change and I suppose they never will... ~ Kate December 21, 2006 Just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry CHRISTmas! The holiday season can be the most joyous of times, or the most depressing depending on where you are at in life. I've had a turbulant couple of weeks ending with finding my life turned upside down yet again. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'll find when I get there but I'm trying my best not to lose hope and to remember that I'm not alone in my uncertainty in this world. "It is Christmas in the heart that puts in Christmas in the air." --- W.T Ellis Have a blessed holiday season :) ~ Kate December 13, 2006 "If You can shape it in your mind, You will find it in your life." I'm discovering this in my own life over these past few weeks. The discovery lies in whether you are willing to set aside the fears, enough to do something about your life, enough to actually change it. We become comfortable in our own misery sometimes. The unknown, whether it promises of a better life or not, can seem so hard to work for. We have to step outside of our comfort zone most times to get there. The road to a better life may seem so terrible and difficult too. Life may become worse before it gets better, but in the end. it's the getting there that counts and it will be worth it. If there's one thing I've learned in my life it's that happiness takes a lot of work. Joy and peace don't have to come naturally, we have to work at all of it before it may finally become a part of us. Christmas is coming so if anyone has a story they'd like to share or a request for prayer and thought (whether private or public), please be sure to e-mail me at admin@shelterintherain.net. Take Care.... ~ Kate Be sure to check out a beautifuly written story about dying and loss written by Essy, entitled "I'll Be There." It can be accessed by clicking here. December 2, 2006 Well, it's finally the beginning of December making it finally feel like it's nearing Christmas, my very favorite time of the year :) It's funny, the messages we seem to recieve right when we need them most... and in the strangest of places too. Yesterday, I ate at a Chinese restaurant, which is my very favorite type of food by the way, and when I opened my fortune cookie, this is the message I read--- "Good things come to those who wait but only the things left by those who hustle." That statement is so true and I'm really coming to realize it even more so at this time in my life. Job hunting is one of the things I hate most and although I really want a job, I still at times find myself consumed with fears about it. I suppose the thought for this week is that we shouldn't hold oursleves back, we can't allow ourselves to be our own worst enemy. On your own piece of paper, write down your strengths. Confidence is key. ~ Kate November 26, 2006 I hope that everyone had a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving Day. When I attended church the Sunday prior, I was left with something to think about in the week to come. When a man named Matthew Henry was robbed this is what he said to God--- "I thank Thee first because I was never robbed before; second, because although they took my money they did not take my life; third because although they took my all, it was not much; and fourth because it was I who was robbed, and not I who robbed." It brings a lot into perspective... ~ Kate November 14, 2006 Well, it's been a little while... I guess I've been going through a series of events lately, many of them difficult, many of them making the day a bit bleak at times. You reach the point of numbness, I've come to discover, where you almost feel as though you no longer feel at all. This can be far worse than all of the tears, all of the anger. To keep your strength and to keep on pushing forward is all good, but to lose sight of your soul in the process can be a dangerous thing. Never be so busy being strong that your forget to be yourself. It's okay to sob or scream sometimes. And we all need a friend to confide in, we all need someone with whom we can let out true self show and never feel the weaker for it. No one should ever have to suffer alone. And always remember, if you don't have that special friend, let me be that person... ~ Kate November 4, 2006 Sometimes in order to find ourselves, we must first lose ourselves completely. Lose everything we ever thought we were meant to be, everything we ever thought that we were in our past... all in order to find who it is that we are meant, that we are destined, to become. When our heart is met with the deepest feeling of emptiness that we have ever fealt, it is then that we ask ourselves, what would it take for us to feel complete once again? The right job? More friends? A closer family? A stronger faith? It is almost like getting to know ourselves all over again in a clearer way. In a deeper way. The emptiness.. the deep sense of being lost is very temporary in this journey, and the person we may find at the end of it, makes the journey well worth that pain. I leave my first November message with this one thought that I try to make the focus of this website. Never, NEVER give up... ~ Kate October 25, 2006 ~ Announcement ~ "I'm breathing in, I'm breathing out, but I'm not alive..." --- Lyrics from "Pictures of You" I can't tell you how many times I've identified with those words. Breathing isn't the same as living. There's a big difference between living and existing. I thought that by giving back all that I've found void in my own life, that I could create a purpose for myself, that I could find meaning... a purpose beyond merely taking each breath. That each person helped would become a bright light through my own journey in which I often find myself left in the dark. But reaching out isn't reaching in and although I find now that my life is not meaningless, I have come to realize that I'm no further in discovering who I am, where I'm going, what the darkness means in my own life. I have yet to answer the question--- why? I have yet to get myself in from the cold and out of the darkness. Yes, reaching out is a good thing. Helping others gives purpose but if we neglect to help ourselves as well, we will only one day find ourselves entirely drained and unable to move forward. This coming week, I will be moving once again, for the eighth time in my life, the third time this year alone. My work on this website has been the most important to me over the past year as I've struggled through my own challenges. I find myself at the most uncertain of times, I've never been more unsure of my future. This is why updates to the site will be less frequent and also as my only access to the internet will now be through the library computers. I promise that I won't stop going though. As previously stated, this website has at times been my salvation and for that reason and also the many e-mails and friends I've made through my daily thoughts, I will continue on... As always, if you have anything that you'd like to share of your own for this website, e-mail me and I will be certain to answer back. Words of thoughts and encouragement are most appreciated. And please be sure to sign the guestbook. Updates will still be often in coming, just not as often as they have been so please continue to check back. Thanks for your support :) ~ Kate October 19, 2006 "We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will." - Chuck Palahniuk I recently added this one to the Quotes Page but I just felt the need to discuss it here as well. I was recently asked what my greatest fear was by a friend and when I really began to think about it, I realized that it wasn't death itself. As many of you know, my faith means a great deal to me and I understand and am aware of what comes after death as a Christian. I have no fear of it except I realized that I do fear what I might or, for that matter, might not, have to show for my life. Realistically, we may not plan on living forever, but many of us do plan on living long enough to actually do something that we might leave behind when we go. Another saying that I've always tried to remember is this-- "Dream as though you'll live forever, Live as though you'll die tomorrow." There's no telling when we might die, when we're quite possibly living the last week, the last day, or the last ten minutes of our lives. As another friend once told me, dreaming is great but it's the fight for those dreams that makes us who we are and who we are to become. There's not telling how many people we might effect through the smallest of gestures, the simplest of words. There have been people who have effected my life, whom I barely even knew, and who, to this day, have no idea that they had such a profound effect on me. I've learned simply through living that actions speak far louder than words, that listening is often more needed than a long speech or cliched phrase, that understanding is harder to give than judgment. And above all, making a difference in one life can be just as rewarding as touching a million... ~ Kate October 12, 2006 I just had the chance to look over the guestbook to discover a message from a someone named Dana who is asking for prayer due to a divorce that she is now going through after ten years of marriage and a five year struggle to have a child which they were blessed with but her health has not been well since. As I have no way of contacting you, I just wanted you to know, Dana, that you're in my prayers as I'm sure that you will be in of others who are now reading this. Thank you for visiting this site and I hope that it's of some help to you as you're going through this very difficult time. Divorce is one of the most difficult, most painful things to go through. I've seen it from the child's end of it but can't imagine what it must be like to be the spouse and to feel the love fading, the love that was supposed to be forever. And your health issues will certainly be in my prayers as well. May you find yourself blessed and comforted by the Heavenly Father that I see we both believe in... ~ Kate October 11, 2006 It's so much easier to remain depressed and unable to move than it is to actually get up and do something about what's making our lives that way. I'm speaking from experience, it's something I deal with everyday. Do I stay in bed when I wake up to darkness and heavy rain? Or do I get up and face it, go out into that thunderstorm and live my life to the fullest extent despite what's thrown at me? I suffer from TMJ headaches every day of my life. Often times, they leave me feeling as though my jaw and entire face have been bashed into a wall. Medication doesn't work anymore and neither does the splint that I just payed hundreds of dollars for. But the strangest thing is that I often find that it's in getting out and living rather than lying in my bed with nothing to think about but the pain, that makes me sometimes able to forget that pain. Our lives work the same way... depression works the same way. Withdrawing from the world only heightens our pain... it makes us more aware of it because it's all we have to think about when we're alone. Taking walk, a long drive, a shopping trip, talking on the phone, going to the theatre.. these are all ways that we can continue to live despite the darkness and the thunderstorms we may often find ourselves waking up too. As long as we choose to choose to continue to die, then we can never know what it means to live. But it's our choice... we can either continue to stare out of our bedroom window into the pouring dreary rain, or we can choose to get out and run through it... ~ Kate October 5, 2006 It seems, at the moment, that the top keyword typed in a search engine to find my website is 'divorce.' Not, a surprise, divorce seems so prevalant these days it's enough to make one jaded long before they've ever even fallen in love for the first time. It's been on my mind a lot lately... This fall makes two years since my own parents got a divorce though it was a storm long expected before it hit. "In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for a divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marraige." --- Robert Anderson This quote struck me with it's sincere truth the moment I saw it. Life will never be perfect, there will always be hardships, things that we don't exactly like about that other person, a different way that we would have handled the situation, a better way we could have done something but the truth is, love isn't sunny days and red roses set to the backdrop of a Bryan Adam's song. True love is surviving the hard times, seeing the flaws and loving that other person anyway and all the more for them. As I stated in my blog once- Love is wading through crap together, adjusting to whatever life throws your way, seeing each other at your worst and loving each other all the better for it- and I still believe that. And another quote that rings true in families-- "For a couple with children, divorce seldom comes as a 'solution' to stress, only as a way to end one form of pain and accept another." --- Fred Rogers ~ Kate October 1, 2006 The first day of October... I suppose now is when it truly feels like Autumn has finally begun. Autumn is my absolute favorite time of the year although it really doesn't seem to last as long as it should here in this part of the States. I love the sound of leaves crunching under my feet and the smokey smell of the air, the cool breeze against my face. It's somehow the most romantic time of the year as well.. not that I currently have a significant other... There's so much to look forward to at this time of the year. Thanksgiving, the first snowfall of the year, Christmas. Little children traipsing through the neighborhood in all sorts of costumes looking for treats, the beautiful orange and red leaves on the trees, the lit up houses in December. It truly is a magical time of the year for me. Magical and yet sad too. You begin to think about all of the family members that you are unable to be with, the ones who have passed on, that signifcant other that you have yet to find. I find myself going through ups and downs, bouts of gratefulness and sadness, fullness and lonliness. Last Christmas was my first without having my entire immediate family around me. For the first time in my life, it was just me and mother and I found that to be incredibly depressing. It's also around that time that I first made plans to build this website. I guess good things really can come out of difficulties. And on this first day of October, I leave you with this thought-- "Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be." ---Karen Ravn ~ Kate September 28, 2006 So, I took a long walk today. A very, Very long walk... it was actually several miles and it gave me a lot to think about. Walks are such a calming, thoughtful journey for me. When I walk, I don't walk for the excersize, that's just an added bonus and I don't walk briskly either. Walks are a wonderful time for contimplation, a time to relax, to take in the moments that took place during the day. I often take my portable CD player whenever I walk. Music just adds to the relaxation. About midway through my walk today, I glanced over to my right to spot a deer in the thicket eating. For a moment it just stopped and staired at me but we had enough distance between us that he didn't feel threatened, he simply stared as I stared back. It brought a smile to my face. I had been thinking and talking God, some of the words in my head, some I said aloud. Seeing that deer just made me feel as though someone was actually listening and it made me realize that it's the small things that make our lives so pleasent and somehow happy, relaxed even. I realized that had I been driving my car like I usually do on that road, it was extremely likely that I would have never even noticed the creature off to my right. I guess that it made me think... Sometimes life isn't about coasting around at fast speed, our eyes on nothing but the road and where we'd like to end up. If we'd only slow down for a moment, walk for a change, we may actually see something that brightens our day even if only a little and for just a few moments. So get out, walk, take in the fresh air, hear the sound of the leaves crunching beneath your boots, feel the cool breeze on your face and smell the smokey air of Fall. It's simply magical and you just might find a surprise or two along the way. ~ Kate September 23, 2006 I recently added one of my new fanvideos to my "About Me" page. I've only shared it with one friend and I wasn't planning on sharing it with anyone else, much less posting it right on my website for everyone to see. The message in the song was one that I was strongly feeling only a week ago until that friend that I shared it with made me realize that it doesn't have to be that way. My life can turn out however I want it too as long as I'm willing to fight to get it. I don't have to be held back by others lives around me, by the neglect of someone I love. To hold me back, no... to shape my life, yes. Every experience, bad or good, shapes the person that I am and the person I will become. I may have absolutly no clue as to why I'm going through it, as to what will come of any of it but as long as I allow myself to wallow in the hurt, the sadness, the anger, then I'll NEVER know and that one descision to just lie down and give in, will hurt my life far beyond any difficult experience that I've ever gone through. My friend was right... we don't have to be alone so long as we reach out. My video is posted here for those who are going through a lonely day, week, year to understand that they are not alone. Even when we look around ourselves to see no one, there's always another out there lookign up at the same sky and feeling so alone in their pain and sadness and hurt. Know that my prayers are with each and every one of you... Reach out and you might just find someone reaching back... Find video here--> Missing by Kate Taylor ~ Kate September 9, 2006 "I still remember the world From the eyes of a child Slowly those feelings Were clouded by what I know now." I can't tell you how many times that I've felt like this. We all wish that we could go back to a innocent time. A time when we didn't yet know of all of the crap that goes on in the world. "Where has my heart gone? An uneven trade for the real world I want to go back too Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all..." ---"Field of Innocence" by Evanescence Sometimes we begin to feel as though we've traded our own heart for the real world. We feel cold, unfeeling, so completely and utterly strong that we forget to let our guard down. Strength is a very good thing but it doesn't always give us what we're looking for. Sometimes it works against us. We begin to feel as though we don't need anyone, that we're all right even when we're truly not. Showing pain makes us feel weak especially when that pain has to do with us. The last thing that we feel we have control over, is our own strength and we don't want to reliquish that control at the risk of crumbling completely. I'm one of those people...ones who holds it all in rather than risk appearing weak.. vulnerable. At times, strength helps me live... at other times I'd like to be myself and just have a nice long cry. Don't ever allow yourself to be so strong that you no longer feel... that you no longer need anybody. It's when you reach that kind of place, that you truly do die inside. It's when you reach that place that you really have traded your heart for the real world... ~ Kate September 3, 2006 And it's almost Fall, my very favorite time of the year! Just wanted to wish everyone a restful and safe Labor Day :) This time of year just does wonders for me. Taking walks in the evening in the crisp cool air, the leaves crunching beneath my feet... Just to leave you all with a thought on this first weekend of September- "Some people see things as they are and say "Why?" I dream things that never were and say 'Why not?' " ---- George Bernard Shaw Never stop dreaming and never stop fighting for those dreams... ~ Kate August 25, 2006 "My heart is a shield and I won't let it down While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try Well how can I say I'm alive?" ------ Life for Rent by Dido Fear is the most deabilitating feeling that we can ever have. We feel inadequet, unsure of ourselves and in the process of allowing our fears to control us, we become all that we are fearful of becoming. Only we can control whether we make it or not. Only we can decide if it's worth shooting for despite all of our fears. It's never something that entirely goes away. The courageous or not those who have no fear... the courageous are those who push ahead despite their fears. It is our choice to take what we've gone through and use it for a better purpose, to give away what we ourselves never had. To trust despite the fact that we've never found someone worth trusting. To love despite the fact that we've never been loved. "But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy Well, I deserve nothing more than I get Cause nothing I have it truely mine." ----- Life for Rent by Dido Keeping ourselves at arms length from others may feel less hurtful but doesn't feel any less lonely and in the end, we've only succeeded in preventing ourselves from experienced all that we could have had in our lives. Our life is just for rent and nothing we have is truely ours... ~ Kate August 12, 2006 "I promise, things are going to be different now. Things are going to get better." I can't tell you how many times I've heard that phrase from particular loved ones in my life only to have it not pan out in the end. The interesting thing is, I just can't make myself stop believeing it everytime I hear it. Sure I may tell myself that I'm not going to get my hopes up this time. That likely, things really aren't getting better, at least not yet. But in all reality, I'm lying to myself. We hope even when we think we've lost all sense of it. It dies so hard in us and that's a good thing. Hope keep us alive and drives us to make our way through this life one day at a time. The day all hope dies, is the day that we truely die inside as well. "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain." I heard this phrase in a Third Day song earlier today on the radio. Life may suck right now, but as long as we stay the course and never stop fighting for that dream, we'll find it one day whether it's later than we might have hoped or sooner than we ever imagined. Our dreams reveal to us where we want to go, our hopes give us the strength to find our way, and the valleys shape the person that we become when we finally reach that mountain. Never stop fighting... ~ Kate August 3, 2006 Just an uplifting song of encouragment to listen to on this muggy August day. CLICK HERE----> "Cry Out" by: Third Day ~ Kate July 28, 2006 It's been awhile, sorry. I've had a lot on my mind and to be quite honest, it's often hard to put things into words especially when they're still a mess and a jumble inside your own head. I've been doing a lot of "soul searching" which is just another way of saying that I'm trying to simply discover what the heck I'm supposed to be doing right now and where I should be heading. For all of my hard work, I'm not neccesarily any closer to an answer, to a conclusion. I've simply learned to take one day at time. Any more might be too difficult at the moment. Life is short in the grand sceme of things. The world may seem dark and suffocating at the moment but we must realize that there will always be pain and sadness and despair. It's what we do with it all that counts. It's what we do with us, it's how we change only the world around us. The day could be brighter if only we'd open the shades, it's just having the strength to get there. The greatest of strength doesn't come from happy moments and sunny days. It comes from the hurts and the sadness we feel unfortunate to go through and it's exactly what shapes the person we are and the person we're still to become. ~ Kate July 15, 2006 "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt Often times I have no clue what to say on here... maybe it's because I'm still struggling along myself, just yet. There are some moments that are so dark and so bleak... moments that seem to be so completely without hope that I have no clue on how to even continue fighting on. It's in these moments that I realize that I must find the strength to simply go on another day. Sometimes, it's all about just taking it a day at a time. It's seems impossible for us to make it another week, another month, another year and that's all right... all we need to concentrate our strength on at the moment is to make it another day. We should always make it a practice anyway to live each day is though it was our last... but dream as though we'll live forever. Make plans for the future and live for today. And fight on... "Our strength grows out of our weakness." (Ralph Waldo Emerson).... ~ Kate July 11, 2006 "It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself." -Unknown I've never known myself less than I do right now. It's a strange feeling to have no clue as to what you want or need or hope to do with your life. It's the most suffocating feeling of fear to have no clue where your headed or how to even begin to get there and it's a fear so strong that it makes it's presence known every moment of every day. You want things to be different, to be fixed and yet you find it even more strong of a feeling that you somehow want things to be remain the same. Pain and sadness become all too familiar and in a sense, you feel safe with that. Because you know what to expect. But to take that plunge into the unkown... to actually believe that things can be different, well that would be opening ourselves up to be hurt once again. We've already spent too long putting that wall up... it seems impossible to actually tear it back down. To make ourselves vulnerable... to make ourselves feel. So many say that it's better to love and be hurt than to have never loved at all, but for some of us, that statement feels so wrong. We're so tired of being hurt, we'd rather not feel anything. We know we're wrong but we don't know where to start... I must admit that I really don't know either. The pain feels to deep and so strong at times, it feels right just to shut it all off, to shut myself down to the world, to the people around me. About five years ago I started building up that wall and for a time, I felt safe. But I was living a lie. Strong by day... crying into my pillow, alone at night. I built that wall to keep the feelings out, but somehow I found that I'd only succeeded in trapping all of my feelings inside of myself. After all of these years living inside this wall, I have to ask myself... is my life where I'd like it to be? Do I even know who I am? And all I can come up with are negative answers... Blocking others out might keep us from getting hurt but it also keeps us from feeling loved as well... ~ Kate July 4, 2006 "We give our lives purpose by giving away what we ourselves never had."-- Dr. Phil And thus you have the main reason that this website came into creation. There has been so much more meaning added to my life since the day that I first dreamed up this website and so I suppose, that my life has indeed been given a purpose. But, I can't help but wonder at times... am I doing enough? Am I really making much of a difference? I suppose that we could run around doing everything that we possibly can, spending every waking moment making changes in peoples lives for the better and in the end, we still might feel as though we haven't done quite enough because we will always still see more people around us suffering or giving up on life entirely. We can't neccesarily change the world but we can sure as hell try, or at least to change the lives of those around us even in the smallest, most simplest of ways. We may never know what lives we've touched by simply saying 'hi' to that person in school or at work that no one else will talk too or by being an encouragment to someone who doesn't have anyone else to tell them that they're doing great. It only takes a moment of our lives but the result may last a lifetime... ~ Kate July 3, 2006 Tomorrow is the 4th of July, also known as Independence Day... Hope everyone has a wonderful and safe holiday. Here's just a couple of quotes from two of our founding fathers--- "We should not look back unless it is to derive useful lessons from past errors, and for the purpose of profiting by dearly bought experience." -- George Washington "Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. It is better to be alone than in bad company." -- George Washington "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." -- Benjamin Franklin "Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." -- Benjamin Franklin Happy 4th of July!! ~ Kate June 25, 2006 I guess it's been a bit since I wrote on here, sorry. I've been caught up in my own issues and trying to sort through those... "My Father's life wasn't taken... He gave it." I think that that must have been my favroite quote from the movie I watched tonight called "End of the Spear." It is a true story. A movie about five missionaries who took their faith to a remote tribe in the jungles of Ecuador in 1956. They were killed that same day, their wives left husbandless, their children left fatherless. But the wives stayed as did some of the children and chose to live among the tribe anyway, eventually winning them over to their faith and bringing peace to the violent area. It goes to show that faith... Christianity... God can change anything. The son of one of those slain missionaries went back in 1994 and learned the identity of his father's killer after the tribesman, now a christian, confessed it to him. It had haunted him all of his life. The line above is what the son said after the tribesman told him that he'd been the one to take his father's life. A very wonderful way of putting. it. No one can take our life... but we can choose to give it for a greater cause. An amazing, amazing movie and even if your unsure of faith and God, it's still a wonderful lesson in forgiveness and letting go. A must see. ~ Kate June 17, 2006 Life moves so completely fast. You stop for a moment to catch your breath and realize that half the month is already gone. Time inevitably changes a person and a life without love can lead to a life of empty relationships or one of bitter loneliness if we allow it. The latter may seem strange to some... if your life is void of love, why push it aside when it actually comes your way? I understand though because I've felt it myself. Lonliness... being ignored...it all becomes a part of life, something one might expect... accept even. When love comes along it's something we can no longer grasp or understand, or place our belief in. We brace ourselves, expecting it to pull away at any moment and in the process, push it away afraid that once again it will leave on it's own... leaving us helpless and displaying to us once again that we're not in control of the situation. We're tired of getting hurt and so we end it before it's even began. A life of bitter loneliness... that's what it becomes. Relationships... love... faith... it all might hurt at some time or another but being hurt is better than never having given them a chance at all. To be numb is to never feel... not never feel is to never live. ~ Kate June 11, 2006 I just attended church services for the first time in about six months and although it wasn't an earth shattering experience, the speaker really had some intresting things to say. I especially found myself listening when he mentioned about how a better life can be right in front of us but we choose to stick with what we have despite that fact. I realized it's because although we can't stand the pain or the lonliness or whatever else is greatly effecting the way we live our lives, we refuse to stand up and change it because the rut we're stuck in has become.. familiar to us. We gradually become comfortable in our own pain because it's the changing it that almost seems scarier. And as long as we feel pity for ourselves, we can expect very little of ourselves. We begin to believe that we have a right to be this way. We have a right to find it hard to get out of bed, or look for a job, or concentrate on school, etc. Where our lives end up then becomes the fault of that other person that we allowed to effect it beyond repair. Taking control is to accept responsibilty and it can be the hardest descision of our lives. Twenty years from now, I want to look back on my life and realize that I'm where I'm at because I chose to stand up and get past that rut. I think that the worst moment of my life to look back on twenty years from now would not be the day that I realized that my dad would never be even a fraction of what I would have hoped or the day that I realized he didn't want to get to know me no matter how badly I wanted him too, the worst would be the moment I realized that I'd allowed all of that, that I'd allowed him, to change the outcome of my life. The difficulties that life throws at us is not our fault, it's how we handle it all that is... ~ Kate June 6, 2006 Take a moment to listen to a very uplifting song by Mariah Carey. Click here----> Through The Rain. The words to the song can be found on the Lyrics Page. The words ring true in my own life-- "I can make it through the rain I can stand up once again On my own and I know That I'm strong enough to mend And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith And I live one more day And I make it through the rain." Sometimes all we can do is take it one day at a time, hold tight to our faith, and hope for the best. Never Give Up. ~ Kate June 3, 2006 It's been a bit since I last wrote on here... I guess I've just been sorting through some things once again and I've come to a definite conclusion... Pain hurts. It can feel so suffocating at times. Pain can make it gloomy even on the sunniest of days. But pain also reminds me every day that I'm still alive inside. I've had days, weeks, months of numbness that can almost be more terrifying than any hurt I've experienced. When I'm numb, I feel without emotion, I feel dead inside. And that can be so suffocating in and of itself. Every day we have a choice. We can choose to remain numb, without emotion because it often can feel like it hurts less or we can choose to face the crap we're making it through, we can choose to face all of the hurt all of the pain... We can choose to live. "Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it will last forever." -- Lance Armstrong ~ Kate May 27, 2006 We give our lives purpose by giving away the very thing that we ourselves never had. The other day I listened as Dr. Phil said somthing along those lines and it just suddenly hit me, how true that statement is. Depression can eat away at you like a disease. Finding it's way into all that you do until you feel suffocated by it. About six months ago, that is exactly how I felt. I couldn't think, I couldn't concentrate... I couldn't live. I began to write stories about how I felt. One in particular, Memories and Cheap Wine, expressed the pain I felt at having witnessed first hand, the effects of alcohol on someone I love (something I'm still going through today). After publishing it to the internet, I recieved an e-mail from someone who felt touched by my story, they now felt understood, like they weren't alone anymore. That's when I made the descision to build this website. It gives me purpose, something to work on and put my mind into every day. And most importantly, it makes all that I've gone through have some sort of meaning, It connects me to another who feels the same way and makes us both feel a little less alone in the process. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, none of it has to be in vain. You may never know why exactly you've gone though all that you have but you can give it all a small bit of purpose. You can make something come of it, you just have to want it enough. Every accomplishment starts with the descision to try. ~ Kate May 25, 2006 "Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; The way you play it is free will." --- Nehru We have no control over the life that we've been given, the family we have, the actions of those around us, the tragedy which afflicts us. We do, however, have control over our reactions to all of it. What we do with our lives, our hurts, our memories,-- good or bad, is up to us. We can learn from someone elses mistakes or we can make them ourselves and have to learn from our own. We can remain a victim, burried in self-pity, justifying the life we refuse to live, or we can become survivors, rising above all that has struck our lives and all that we never had. It's your choice-- it's our choice. Victim or Survivor? ~ Kate May 22, 2006 Above are pictures of Mariska Hargitay, lead female character, Olivia Benson, of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and her husband. Mariska has, in the last few months, become a complete inspiration to me. Her constant fight to help rape victims is what lead me to the descision to build this website and to reach out to others as well. Mariska married only a year or two ago at the age of forty-one and her long wait for true love and her determination to get it right the first time are only part of what make her a hero to me and to so many other women as well. True love is worth waiting a life time for. I've taped the above pic and enscription to my closet to serve as a constant reminder everyday. It offers me hope in not only the fact that it's well worth the wait but that it really is possible to be deliriously in love with someone... ~ Kate May 21, 2006 "I can't take it anymore, This is killing me inside Don't you see that I've grown old? Don't you see the tears I've cried? I wish you were the old you Or maybe someone entirely new Someone who could teach me strength Someone I could hold onto" --- Kate Taylor This is just part of a poem that I began to write today, when I stopped myself. I just realized how often it is that we allow ourselves... our lives... to be controlled by the amount of pain we've felt, or the memories we've missed. To go through life feeling sorry about the things we don't have, the things we've missed, is to never have a life at all. And though the first time may be of someone else's neglect, the latter is certainly of our own accord. I've only begun to learn over the past year that someone's elses sins, though affecting my life, certainly do not have to control where it is and where's it's heading. It's my choice as to whether it all, in the end, makes me a stronger person or a weaker person. A figher or somone who just lies down and never gets up. We don't have much time on this world, in this life... make use of the time that you have. Think a little less about the memories lost but about the memories that are to come if only we choose to live them. ~ Kate May 16, 2006 "We gather strength from sadness and from pain. Each time we die, we learn to live again." -Unkown Not matter how painful, sadness shapes who we are, where we go, and who we love along the way. It defines our strengths and helps us find our weaknesses. It can build us up or bring us down if we allow it. We can never quite escape it, but we can learn to live through it and become a better person because of it. "The walls we build around us to keep the sadness out, also keeps out the joy." - Jim Rohn To become numb to pain and sadness, is to become numb to feeling and emotions. Never stop feeling, as Christian Nevell Bovee once said-- "Tearless grief bleeds inwardly." And one last thought to leave you with--- "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." - Franklin D. Roosevelt ~ Kate May 13, 2006 Well, tomorrow is Mother's Day! Here's a story to get us all to thinking. Wishing every mother out there, a wonderful day tomorrow... ~ Kate When the good Lord was creating mothers, He was into his sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one." And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order? She has to be completely washable but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts... all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands." The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no way." "It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have." "That's on the standard model?" Asked the angel. God nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks 'what are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here on the back of her head that sees when she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word." "God," said the angel, touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow..." "I can't," said God. "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick... can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger... and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower." The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed. "But tough," said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure." "Can it think?" "Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator. Finally the angel bent over the ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model." "It's not a leak," said the Lord, "it's a tear." "What's it for?" "It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride." "You are a genius," said the angel. Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there." |