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--- Final Word ---

It felt strange. The cold, December snow swirling around her. The dark scene before her. The uniforms, the on-lookers, the dark form which lay a few hundred feet ahead, shielded from view by a coat undoubtedly offered by one of the uniforms surveying the grizzly scene. It was funny how everyone seemed to be moving so quickly and yet time stood still if only for her. It felt strange.

And she couldn't remember. The events leading up to this moment. How had she even gotten here? What was this place? Who was this victim? She stepped forward, her heart quickening though she wasn't sure why. That's when she noticed him. The second body, laying sprawled out on the ground not far from the first victim. The large pool of blood he lay in clearly came from the gaping wound to his chest... a gunshot wound. She knew because no one had even bothered to cover this one up.

And yet she felt no pity for him. Why? She was unsure. She couldn't even remember who he was if or if she'd ever even known in the first place. She stepped toward him to look closer.

A gun lay in the snow not far from his right hand. He'd fired at their victim. She knew that. And she'd fired back. She knew that too. She?

One of the uniforms stood near her now, his hardened gaze focused on this man but he made no glance her way. She wanted to speak, she had so many questions, but she found herself unable to voice anything at all.

The rest of them stood near the covered body speaking in voices she was only barely able to make out. Everything seemed so terribly still and quiet and slow.

"Did you make the call?" A nameless face asked.

Another nodded grimly.

"Partner's on his way."

Partner? Had this hit one of their own?

A strong gust of wind whistled through the trees just then and several of them pulled their coats tighter around themselves to keep warm. But she didn't even notice the chill. She glanced again toward the covered body filled with both curiosity and dread. So many thoughts were running through her head, so jumbled that they didn't make sense. And the dull ache in her chest... why couldn't she make sense of any of it?

She remembered sitting at her desk but that must have been hours ago. And she remembered the drive here, alone, following a lead. And had she called for back up? Her breath caught in her throat until the stabbing pain in her chest subsided.

She stepped toward the body and knelt down in the snow. The feelings of dread were overwhelming now.

He was here now, she sensed it. Even if she hadn't heard the commotion. Heard the hushed voices of the uniforms, saw the grim faces all glancing toward the dark vehicle pulling up. But her attention was just as quickly pulled back toward the body laying at her knees.

Still kneeling in the snow and a small blizzard coming down around her, shouldn't she be freezing by now, she wondered? She reached for the coat covering the body and gently pulled it away.

She nodded as though she'd known all along as a strange sense of peace came over her for the first time. A gleam caught her eye and she reached for the object, holding it for a moment in the palm of her hand.

When she turned back to see him standing there, her eyes blurred as a single tear made its way down her face. There had been so many things she'd meant to say.

She turned away and closed her eyes to welcome the darkness.

Slowly, he stepped forward. Everything was so deathly silent, the uniforms standing back to allow him this moment. The falling snow fading into the background. The chilly, howling wind a distant thought. His eyes were damp and he felt almost too paralyzed too move but he willed himself forward anyway.

So many thoughts were running through his head, so jumbled that they didn't make sense. Why had she gone alone? And why hadn't she waited for backup. There were no answers... there never would be answers. He knelt there now, his vision blurred with unshed emotion.

The coat that had covered her had been pulled back and there were flecks of snow through her dark brown hair. He ran his hand through it, his heart stopping at the sight of the bloody mess of her shirt from the bullet wound to her chest.

He was almost certain of the tear streak down her face and then his eyes came to rest on her tightly clamped hand. He gently reached for it and pulled back her fingers to find what she'd clenched there--- her necklace. She'd worn it every day for as long as he'd known her. 'Fearlessness'--- her life had been lived by that word and she'd helped so many victims to find it in themselves. And he couldn't help but feel as though this had been meant to be her final word... maybe to him.

He stood up, now clenching it tightly in his own hand.

A uniform stood next to him now. The grim, solemn expression on his face suggesting he'd been in the Detective's very position at some point in his thirty year career.

"Detective Olivia Benson?" They'd need the positive I.D.

Elliot simply nodded, before kneeling down and pulling the coat gently back over her.

Kate Taylor

August, 2007

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--- Casualty: Part II ---

It feels so cold here. Alone in this empty room. It's hard to believe that it's you lying here on this hard metal table in front of me. It's hard to believe that you're here and yet not here at all. It won't be the same... It will never be the same.

You told me once, on that day which now seems like years ago, that if you could choose, you'd choose to die of cancer. Not because you were downplaying the disease. No, far from it. But because you would hope that you might have the time to prepare for this day. That you might say goodbye. That you might make that last bit of difference. That you might make that last bit of change. That you might be ready. This isn't what you'd ever imagined... but were you ready anyway?

What were your last thoughts? Did you remember those sunny days of your childhood. When moments this dark could never even begin to cross your mind? When you believed that time might continue on forever. When hope out weighed the difficulties. When dreams were bigger than all of the letdowns. Did you even have time to think at all?

You told me once that you believed that there was so much left for you to do in this world. That there was a major purpose for your life. That the dark times were a mere preparation for the difference you were meant to bring to others. And that, when you truly thought about it, there was nothing, not a moment, not a difficulty, that you would choose to be spared from in your life. Did you have the chance to even realize that your beliefs had been entirely crushed by circumstances beyond your control? Or did you wonder if things might have been different if I'd stopped for a moment to truly listen? Did you blame me?

What were your thoughts? Did you wonder about when it had all began to change? When our relationship had started to crumble beneath the pressure? Did you wonder if maybe you had been even slightly to blame? That you hadn't understood enough? Cared enough? Loved enough? I wish that I could tell you that if you had, that you were wrong.

You told me once that all you'd ever wanted was your family. That friendships, hopes, dreams and expectations meant nothing in comparison. That there was nothing that anyone could do to make you love them less and that you only expected the same in return. Did I ever tell you that I felt the same? Did I ever tell you that I could never love you any less? And did I tell you enough?

What were you thinking in those final moments? Did you think that I'd forgotten? That I'd simply let you walk off into the night, waiting your return, figuring you'd only needed to blow off some steam? Or did you know me better than that? That I'd come looking for you? That I'd worry too much? That I could never let you suffer if alone? Did I show it enough? Display it enough? Tell you enough? Did I ever say I love you?

You told me once that if I were to die, that you'd die with me. That you couldn't imagine life without me. That the mere thought if it brought you a deep sadness. I wish I could tell you that I'm feeling the same. That I wouldn't even be standing if it had truly hit me that it's you lying here in front of me. You look so cold. So pale. So peaceful. I wish that I could remember the last time that you looked so peaceful.

So what were you thinking about? They told me you fought like hell. I wonder if you knew just how proud I was of you. And I wonder exactly who or what you were fighting for in those final moments. Your hopes, your dreams, the lives you wanted so desperately to change? Or just simply your own future, no matter what it might be? And were you fighting for me? Did I ever tell you I was proud? That you'd already made a difference in the short time that you were here? And did I tell you enough?

You told me once that you kept so much to yourself because to let down that barrier left you feeling weak and vulnerable. I wish that you could have been more vulnerable around me. Maybe it would have helped that night. Maybe you wouldn't have left. Wouldn't have walked out that door, down the street, onto that path and out of my life. But you couldn't have known. You wouldn’t have wanted it to end this way. You were never given that time that you'd always hoped for. Or were you?

What were your last thoughts as you lay there violated and broken? Did you pray? Did you cry? Did you wish that I was there? Did you wonder if I'd begun to worry? If I'd come looking? Did you hear or see me at all as I discovered you on that path? They told me you were already gone but I can't help but wonder, did you feel me as I cradled you in my arms? Feel my tears fall from my face to yours? Hear me whisper 'I love you' before you breathed that final breath?

You told me once that so long as we carry each others memories, that we would never truly be alone. That our memories would one day be the only thing to keep us together. That our lives could continue on through the difference that we leave on another person's spirit. Is that why you so yearned to make that difference in the life of another? I wish that I could have told you that you needn't have worried. That that difference had already been made and that I wouldn't allow your spirit to die with you.

What were your thoughts? Could you see me? Could you hear me? Could you feel me? Can you hear me even now as I look upon your peaceful face and my eyes well up with tears for the first time since I held you that night? They said that you were already gone. You told me once that you believed that our spirits would forever be connected. That even if you could no longer hear me, that messages had a way of being passed from God to loved ones lost...

There's only one message through all of it, that I'd wanted to tell you. Did you already know? Did I say it enough? Did I do my best to show it? They said that you were already gone but did you hear it? I hope you were right. That God listens for our messages. I hope you were right... I know you were right... so...

'God tell her that I love her.'

Kate Taylor

July, 2007

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--- Casualty ---

It feels so cold here. Lying in the darkness. Like that time I went for a walk in the woods and got lost. Time had gotten away from me, the way it often did. I guess I'd always been a bit of a dreamer. But there you were. You found me. Where are you now? What are you thinking? It feels so cold here.

The night started off the way it always had. With an argument. It seems that's all we do anymore, like we've grown apart or something. I've always been good at not saying mean, hurtful things that can't be taken back once said... But not tonight. I said it for the first time-- "I hate you." I said it... And I didn't mean it.

It's so cold here. I wish that I was there now, to take back what I said. You must be thinking that I'm just off venting somewhere. That I'm just off on another one of my walks, thinking things through. That I'll be back tonight and that everything will be okay again. That we'll hug. That we'll apologize. That we'll realize how much we mean to each other. But not tonight... at least not in that way. It feels so cold here.

I'd walked out that door the moment I'd said those ugly words. Slammed it, really. Wanting to get your attention and feeling as though I'd succeeded. Doesn't walking somehow make the mind clearer? It reminds me of all those walks we'd taken together. I was a child and you'd held my hand. It felt comforting. It felt safe. So where did it all go wrong? When did we let go of each other?

It's strange... To be so broken and yet to feel no pain at all. So, is this how it feels to die? It's far different than I'd imagined it... There's no pain. No pain it all. And it's so cold.

Did you follow out the door after me? Was I already too far ahead to catch up? Did you see me in the distance and decide that I was better off sorting it out alone? Or did you sit down in that empty apartment and try to figure out how it all went wrong? Did you sit in the silence? Did you scream? Did you cry? Did you wonder where I went?

A new feeling is coming over me. Is it fear? Remorse? Loss? I wish you were here to hold my hand and tell me that you know I didn't mean it. That you know I could never hate you. That you know I never wanted to leave you like this. That I never meant for things to end this way. And I wish that you were here to keep me warm because it's just so cold.

Where are you now? When did you start to worry? Start to go looking for me? Do you think that I've chosen to leave? That I've chosen to run and never come back? Or do you know me better than that? Are you feeling the same feelings? Thinking the same thoughts? Wishing that you'd never said even half of what you had tonight?

I wish you were here so that I could tell you that I know you didn't mean it. That I know that you love me even if it doesn't always appear that way. Maybe I've expected to much, dreamed to much, hoped to much. And maybe I just didn't understand the way I should have. The way I would have if it just hadn't hurt so much. It's so completely dark now... and so cold.

Are you in your car now? Driving up and down every street? Searching for me and wondering why my jacket is just laying on that sidewalk as though it had been ripped from me? Wondering about my purse and it's contents lying all over the ground? Are you beginning to panic? Calling the police? First noticing the path that leads into the woods?

My heart seems to be beating faster. This isn't how I'd imagined tonight to end-- my life to end. I wish that I could tell you how much you've meant to me. That despite how we've grown somewhat apart, that it hasn't erased the good times. That you've been the one to keep me going. That you've been the one to share my dreams. That no one knows me like you do. I wish that I could hold onto you and never feel so cold again. And I wish that I could tell you that I love you.

So what must you be thinking now? Have you decided not to wait on the police? Have you started to search along that path into the woods? Have you noticed all of the broken branches? The torn blouse? The bloody crow bar? Have you noticed the dark form lying broken on the path ahead.

I wish that I could tell you just how hard I'd fought, for my body, for my life, for my future. I think that maybe you'd be proud. That you'd realize just how much I'd wanted to live. Just how much I'd wanted to tell you everything. I wish that I could tell you that you were the person I was thinking of as each breath became harder than the last. I wish that I could have admitted all of my regrets and told you about all of my dreams and hopes for the future. And I wish that I could have gone on to realize them and that you could have been there to see it all. But it's just so cold and my heart is beginning to grow tired of fighting.

Are you afraid to move forward? Afraid to discover that dark form lying on the path to be me? Can you sense the hopelessness? Sense the death? Are there things that you'd wished you'd have said too? I wish that I could tell you not to worry. That you'd never had to say them... only to show them.

Everything's fading away now. Like I'm falling asleep. But this feels different. Like the whole entire world is still running but me. I guess I'll never get the chance to write that book, to find my true love, to start that family. I guess I'll never have the chance to go back to school, to touch the lives I'd only touched in my dreams. The past is all that I'd lived in my whole life. My future was all that I'd lived for. There's none of that now. Only the present. And it's so cold.

Do you wonder if I've seen you too? Searching along that path? Finding the evidence of a life that had been fought for here tonight? And do you wonder if I can see you now, reluctantly stepping forward? Afraid of what you might find lying on the path?

My eyes are closing now. Like they're entirely too heavy to continue to keep open. Like this is it. This is the end. I know now that I'll never have the chance to say half of what I was thinking but, do you know it all anyway? Did I do my best to show you? I wish I could tell you that it's in seeing you here tonight, in knowing that you searched for me, in knowing that you found me, that I can finally go. It's so peaceful now. And it isn't cold anymore. I wish I could tell you that I love you so much and I wish I could thank you... Thank you for loving me.

Kate Taylor

April, 2007

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--- Pictures Of You ---

The squad room seemed deathly silent as he sat silently at his desk. Unfinished paperwork lay spread across it but his eyes shifted to watch the light rain falling outside the precinct doors.

He leaned back in his chair and futilely tried to rub the sleep from his eyes before glancing at his watch. It was barely 6:00am, he'd been unable to sleep all night and as usual that only meant that he'd now found himself here long before anyone else and long before his new partner. His temporary partner, he corrected himself silently.

That thought caused his gaze to now drift toward the desk in front of him. It was the same desk which had sat across from his for eight years but somehow now, it seemed so different. The unfamiliar pictures and other items served only to remind him of the fact that things had changed and the suddenness of his partner's departure hadn't made it any easier.

Only months before, Olivia had spent some time working in the Computer Crimes division and it seemed like only yesterday that she'd surprised him with her return.

"What are you doing here?" He'd asked.

"I work here." Her reply had been so simple and he couldn't help but breath a sigh of relief as he'd taken his seat across from her once again.

Things had become complicated and even Elliot was still unsure of what it had all meant. All he knew is that it had never felt better to be able to glance across to her desk and find her there, the way it had always been for the seven years prior. And now, once again, she was gone.

There had been no explanation although after the case they'd just worked on involving eco-terrorists and the FBI, he didn't need one to guess. The call to her apartment leading to a message stating that her number had been disconnected had left him with an empty feeling that he was sure he'd never felt before.

His new partner was working out all right. They were getting along far better than he'd ever expected. But it wasn't Liv...

Reaching into his desk drawer, it was only now that he remembered the picture lying at the bottom. The corners were bent from one to many files thrown carelessly on top of it but he carefully straightened it out. He smiled as he remembered the small surprise party they'd thrown for his birthday a year back. Someone had brought a camera and the pictures had adorned the bulletin board in the squad room for months. He'd managed to steal one off of the board of Olivia and himself without anyone noticing.

His mind wandered back to that day before the tension, before all of the complications in their relationship. He wondered now what his partner had exactly meant that day she'd found him in the locker room not longer after she'd temporarily left the SVU.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Elliot let out a long sigh as he returned the picture back to it's place at the bottom of the drawer. He glanced at the still unfinished papers and pulled them together into a pile knowing full well that he'd never be able to get to them just now.

Ever since she'd left so suddenly, he'd been unable to stop thinking about her and what she might have meant by complications. He never was one to talk about what was on his mind, it had been one of the very things which had helped to create strain in his marriage and one of the reasons it had fallen apart after twenty years.

He continued to sit there for a moment twirling his pen subconsciously in his right hand. But, the silence became too deafening to take and he stood to walk toward the front doors of the precinct stopping short of stepping outside. The soft rain had now turned into a downpour.

He rested his head against the glass and although the rain fell hard against the roof of the building, the sound seemed somehow comforting. He remembered how Olivia had once told him that she'd loved the sound of the rain falling against the roof. He didn't know why but it somehow brought a smile to his face at the mere thought of her.

Somewhere over the past year, his feelings had all become a jumble in his own mind and after the Gitano case, he'd found himself more confused than ever. He questioned himself as to whether he was just needing someone after the divorce but the fact remained, he'd chosen her over the job and he'd never done that before.

Unwilling to let his guard down around anyone for fear of appearing weak, he never felt that way around her. In fact, he'd never allowed anyone else to glimpse more of himself than her...

The sound of the alarm on his wrist watch going off alerted him to the fact that it was now 7:00am. Dani would be arriving soon as would everyone else. He took one last glance out into the rain, wondering for a moment where Olivia was and what she might be going through but he stopped short of giving the latter much thought. There would be plenty of time for worry when he got off work and spent the evening alone once again.

He soon settled back down at his desk and gave the paperwork another shot. The sound of the rainfall was soon forgotten as pictures of her continued to fill his mind and the deafening sound of silence again took over. The room would feel empty even hours later, without her there...

"Since I let you in, I can't get you out of this heart of mine. I'm breathin' in, I'm breathin' out but I'm not live..."

Kate Taylor

October, 2006

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--- Memories and Cheap Wine ---

She sat alone in the darkness of her apartment as outside, rain fell steadily. She loved the sound of the gentle patter of rain drops as they hit her roof. Somehow, it gave her a calming feeling especially when she'd shut herself in after a long day at work. But not tonight.

She stared once again at the bottle wine on the table in front of her where she'd placed it two hours earlier, intent tonight, on drowning away the sorrow that had been suffocating her for months. But somehow, she hadn't managed to talk herself into drinking even a single glass. There were too many memories.

Her gaze turned toward the clock across the room and although it was barely readable, lit only by the moonlight which only slightly lit the room, she was able to make out that it was one o'clock in the morning. In seven hours, she'd have to be at work and she was certain that she'd likely be awake until then.

Turning her gaze back on the bottle of wine, she slowly opened it and poured herself a glass. She merely stared at it as she held it in her hands. It was cheap wine and the strong smell of it suddenly repulsed her. But she knew in her heart that it wasn't the bottle. It was the memories that came with the bottle. Memories of her mother.

It had been six months since the day her mother had died. She'd fallen down a flight of subway steps on her way out the of the Velvet Room where she'd been drinking heavily and although Olivia had made it clear to her co-workers that she was alright, she wasn't okay. She was far from it.

"Why?" She heard herself ask out loud as though her mother might appear just then and explain herself.

"Why did you drink yourself into oblivion every night? Why didn't you see the tears in my eyes when you asked me to pour you another glass because you were too drunk to get it yourself? And why did you have to leave me without any family in the world?" She asked each question out loud but there were no answers and there would be no explanation.

She stood and made her way toward the kitchen taking the bottle with her. She stood in front of the sink, her eyes welling up with tears and threatening to stream down her face. Slowly, she poured the contents of both the bottle and glass down the drain.

Crimson red splashed into the porcelain sink before swirling down the drain as she pictured what her mother's body must have looked like at the bottom of those subway steps.

Sadness was quickly replaced by anger and she whirled around and threw the glass against the wall across the room. Her strength spent, she leaned her weight against the cabinet behind her and slid against it onto the floor. Tears now freely streamed down her face and she rested her head on her knees as she hugged them tightly to her chest.

"Why did you leave me here alone?" Her voice was barely more than a whisper now. She never could stay angry with her mother for long.

Outside, rain continued to fall upon the busy streets of New York City, and to the sound of the gentle patter of rain drops falling on the roof, on the kitchen floor of her apartment, Olivia Benson fell asleep.

~ Kate

February, 2006

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--- Partners ---

It was 3:00 am and the night sky seemed darker than usual as a cold wind blew gently through the city. Olivia Benson shuddered, pulling her coat tighter around herself as she continued to stand there at his door. She had no idea how long she'd been standing there or why it was that she found herself here, the only thing she was sure of was that she couldn't turn back. She needed someone... she needed him.

After a moment, she knocked on his door. After waiting several moments, she wondered if it had been such a good idea to come here after all but just as she began to turn away, the door opened just then.

"Liv?" His voice, a mixture of surprise and exhaustion, caused her to turn back.

"Elliot... I..." She began but suddenly there were no words to say. She brought her hand up to her face and winced at her own touch praying that Elliot wouldn't notice. A slight buzz still remained with her after having a few glasses of wine. She wasn't sure exactly how many.

"What's wrong?" Her partner's concerned voice brought her out of thought and she turned her gaze on him once again. He looked so tired, it was 3:00 am, and she shouldn't have come here.

"It was my fault, Elliot." She whispered as a sudden chill came over her and she shuddered.

"Liv... what... what's your fault?" Then he noticed the fact that she was pulling her coat tighter around herself and he stepped aside and motioned for her to come in.

She accepted the offer but made no effort to explain her previous statement any further. Sitting down on his couch, she remained silent as he turned on a nearby light and sat next to her. His breath caught in his throat as he looked at her face in the light. Dark bruising covered the right side of her face and her eyes studied the floor as she refused to look him in the face.

"Liv, what happened?" He managed to ask though the moment the question left his mouth, he remembered the fact that she'd had a date planned with someone she'd been seeing for some time now.

"Brian...?" He asked and she stopped studying the floor to look at him.

"I was drinking," She began, "I don't know why or how...it's all so foggy..." She paused for a moment. "I had too much, Elliot. It was my fault." She nervously brushed her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear.

He took her hands in his and was surprised by how icy they felt.

"No," His voice was so soft, so unlike Brian's. "No matter what happened tonight, Liv, I can't imagine that you'd ever deserve this."

"But you don't know, Elliot. You don't know how I can be sometimes and you don't know who I saw when I looked in the mirror tonight..." Her eyes had now welled up with tears that she still stubbornly refused to shed. "Elliot... I saw my mother."

He moved closer to her still holding her hands in his own. Though he was the only person she'd ever allowed herself to be vulnerable around, he'd never seen her quite like this and it tore at him just as much as it was tearing at her.

"You're not your mother, don't ever think that." He gently chided. "Liv, we've seen each other at our worst, we've had our share of arguments but despite all of that, I know the strong, independent, caring woman that you are. You connect with the victims better than anyone I know and you're a damn good cop. You're mother gave up on the world, you're changing it."

A single tear streamed down her face and she nodded her head. It was her mother's faults that had made her resolve to avoid them. Despite the fact that her mother drank to drown the sorrow away, Olivia had know that it had only served to magnify it. Alcohol didn't numb the pain, it made it stronger. Her eyes glistened with tears as she smiled weakly at him.

"How is it that you know me so well?"

He tried to think of the right answer but the one he came up with was something he was still confused about himself. He didn't understand why he'd been looking at her differently lately. Why it was that she now meant more to him than ever before. Why her very hands in his, sent chills through him and it wasn't because she'd just come out of the cold.

"We're partners, Liv." He smiled at her as he squeezed her hands in reassurance. Her gaze never left his.

"Partners for life." She whispered as she laid her head against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. And to the sound of his heart beat, she fell into a peaceful sleep.

~ Kate Taylor

March, 2006

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--- A Little Less Alone ---

He stared for a moment into the bottom of his empty glass, the distant look in his eyes indicating that although he sat there, his thoughts were somewhere else completely.

The noise in the room cut into his thoughts and he held up his glass indicating he wanted another vodka on the rocks. He watched as the bartender shook his head but set about fulfilling the order. It was getting late and past his usual hour of sitting here. He'd long passed his usual consumption but what the hell, it wasn't as if he had anything... or anyone to get back too.

The bartender had placed his drink in front of him now and he mumbled a quick thanks without looking up. It wasn't often that he allowed himself to get like this. He had a way of deflecting anything personal with a joke or a sarcastic comment. But not tonight.

He'd spent the evening trying to come up with a good reason for why it was that he found himself alone after all these years, but after hours of thinking, he'd been unable.

The entire day at the squad room, he hadn't said much which was odd for him and though he'd ignored them, he hadn't missed his co-workers questioning stares. But they'd never asked and even if they had, he'd have never admitted anything.

He turned his gaze back on the untouched glass of vodka but somehow, he no longer had the stomach to drink it. Pushing it away from him, he stood slowly, leaving enough money on the bar to pay for his bill and leave a little extra for the tender.

The chilly March wind blew hard against him as he pushed the exit door open. He was surprised to see her standing there yet was somehow able to keep the shock from showing on his face.

"Olivia? How long have you been here?" He was unable to think of anything else to ask. She shrugged.

"About twenty minutes." She answered and by the look on her face, he knew she was concerned.

"I thought of coming in but I thought you might need time to yourself." As the sentence left her mouth is suddenly struck her at how foolish it now sounded. He spent every night alone.

"I should have come in." She said quietly.

"I'm fine, Olivia." He said it gently so she knew he wasn't annoyed by her concern. He wished he could tell her that it was seeing her here that would help him sleep tonight. She nodded at him and offered a smile.

"You know where I am if you ever need to talk."

He smiled back at her. It was here that he'd normally reply with something sarcastic. Something to lighten the mood and end the uncomfortably personal moment, but nothing came to him tonight and he was unsure he'd have said it if it had.

He took a couple of steps forward before turning back toward her.

"Thanks, Liv."

She nodded again before heading in the opposite direction. He watched her until she disappeared into the darkness and even then, he stood as though frozen.

All his life, love had alluded John Munch but he knew just then that had he know the kind of woman to look for, had he known Olivia Benson, he might have found it.

Staring for another moment into the darkness to which she'd departed, he turned now, in the direction of his own residence.

And the world felt a little less alone.

~ Kate Taylor

March 2006

************************************************************************

--- Haunted ---

Elliot woke with a start and glanced at his watch. It was only 9:30 and it took a moment for his head to clear enough for him to realize that he'd fallen asleep on the couch of his living room.

Something had awoken him and the answer to his question of what, was answered by another knock at his door. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and glanced down at his disheveled clothes before sighing. Besides his suit jacket, which he'd taken off when he'd gotten in, he was still in the clothes that he'd worn to work.

It took him a moment to make his way to the door and when he opened it, he was surprised to find his partner standing there. Olivia took one look at him and guessed the situation.

"Sorry I woke you." She was partly relieved to know that he had been. Their day at the precinct hadn't been a good one. He'd been irritable and distant and it hadn't been long before Cragen had ordered them to work separately.

She hadn't been patient but until Cragen had told her, how could she have known that today was the day that Elliot's divorce was final? By then he'd gone home so she'd done the same but she hadn't stopped thinking about him. So now, here she found herself standing at his door at 9:30 at night, wondering what it was that she even intended to say.

"Liv?" She was brought of thought by the sound of his voice. "Want to come in?"

She nodded and stepped inside. At a quick glance around, it was surprisingly clean, of course, it wasn't as though he spent much time here. She turned around as he shut the door.

"Hungry?"

He shrugged, "Sure, why?"

She smiled.

"Good, I ordered Chinese on the way over here. It should be here in ten minutes."

He looked at her in question without saying anything as she turned away and sat down on his couch. Sometimes she perplexed him. It was no secret to him that he'd been hard to work with all day. He stepped her way and sat down on the opposite end of the couch.

"Sorry, Liv." He said quietly, leaning forward. His arms rested on his knees, his eyes cast downward.

"Cragen told me the divorce was final today." She didn't want to hide the fact that she knew. 'You could have told me,' She thought inwardly but didn't voice aloud. God only knew, there were things that she'd kept from him.

"I should have told you," He seemed to read her thoughts. "I guess I just didn't feel like talking about it." It didn't seem to make all that much sense now as he said it. It wasn't as though she didn't know what it was to be alone.

He undid his tie, leaving it still hanging around his neck and loosened the collar of his shirt as they sat in silence for several moments.

"The house is so quiet," He finally spoke, his voice barely more than a whisper. He still refused to look her in the eye.

She nodded, remembering all of the nights that she'd thought the same thing, coming home from work to her empty apartment.

"That's the hardest part isn't it?" She said just as quietly. "Being alone... when the only sound you can hear are the thoughts in your head."

He remained silent for a moment as he thought about her words. His gaze stared forward, off into the distance, as though he was somewhere else entirely.

"You start to think about what you might have done differently... what could have been."

She couldn't tell him how many times she'd thought the same thing. After another failed relationship or her mother's death. When left alone with them, thoughts became haunting. She turned her eyes on him.

"But you're not alone, El." For the first time, his eyes met hers. "You have your kids, everyone at the precinct--"

"I have a damn good partner."

She smiled, "I guess that makes both of us."

There was a knock at the door and she was the first to stand.

"Must be the Chinese, I'll get it."

He nodded without saying anything and she made her way to the door. She was back a moment later but she wasn't alone. He stood, surprised, at the sight of his children standing there.

"Hi, dad," Maureen was the first to speak. "Olivia called, said you could use some company. We picked up Chinese along the way."

He pulled each of them tightly into his arms as Olivia quietly stepped away. She didn't want to intrude on their time as a family.

"Liv?"

She had just reached the door and she turned around to find him now standing right behind her. He was smiling, the first time he had all day.

"Stay." He didn't say anything more and she simply nodded. She wasn't up to being alone tonight either. Together, they stepped back into the living room as the suffocating stillness, which had hung over the house only moments before, dissipated.

~ Kate Taylor

March, 2006

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--- The Nearness of You ---

She glanced for what must have been the tenth time at the photo set before her, her mind wandering only as far as she would allow it. 'Why had life taken her through so many valleys?' She wandered inwardly hoping that somehow, it might bring an answer. There was no answer delivered to her, at least not one that was good enough.

Life had always been so complicated. She'd grown into a woman so fast, she'd barely had time to stop long enough to try and understand it all, not that she would have understood had she been given the chance anyway.

Her eyes wandered to the clock on the wall ahead. It was twelve o'clock midnight and still, she found herself here at the precinct. Half of her wanted to go home, the other half wanted desperately to stay away from the emptiness, from the silence. She closed her eyes, the image still burned in her mind seemed so clear to her even as she closed them. The picture of her mother she'd kept here in her desk for years, brought back so many memories. The kind that she longed to forget and especially on today of all days.

Tomorrow was Olivia Benson's birthday and besides the fact that it meant that she was another year older, it also meant another year spent alone. She yawned sleepily. Why the hell was this bothering her so much? Spending her birthday alone was certainly nothing new. And yet, somehow it made terrible sense. Certainly by this age, she'd hope to finally be spending these sort of days with someone special.

She ran a hand through her hair as she returned the picture to it's usual place in her desk drawer. Alcoholism... all her life she'd chosen against it but despite that fact, she'd had to stand by helplessly as she'd watched her mother succumb to it. Yes, the hand that had been dealt her in life had been dealt cruelly. Just when she'd thought she'd learned to accept her mother's alcoholism, then came the nights when things became physical, something she'd never learned to live with.

There had been many hopeless nights. Many times where there seemed to be no way out except death but she'd never wanted to end her life, only to begin it.

When she was old enough, she'd escaped, away from the empty days. Away from the unpredictable nights. Becoming a cop had been her salvation and the very thing that held her together. She'd immersed herself in it, the victims, the cases, anything to make her forget the hell she'd been through. Who said that pain fades with time? Clearly a person who'd never felt this kind of pain themselves. The kind of pain that suffocates a person when alone at night. The kind of pain that consumes a person when alone in bed accompanied only by the piercing noise of their own thoughts. She'd seen that kind of pain in the victims she'd dealt with on a daily basis... she'd seen it in herself.

Her thoughts were shattered as she jumped at the sound of the precinct door opening. She was surprised to see her partner coming through the door... and relieved. Even if only for a few moments she wasn't alone. She never felt alone around him. She shook off the thought and concentrated on the obvious-- It wasn't like him to stop by at this time of night.

"What are you doing here so late?" She asked before thinking about the strangeness of her question. She was the one who had spent her evening here. He seemed to ignore that fact, his mind was somewhere else and she realized for the first time that his hands were suspiciously behind his back.

He was already standing in front of her, a smile on his face. 'Does he know what that smile does to me?" Her mind wandered again. She couldn't help but feel lighter when he did.

"I wanted to be the first to congratulate the birthday girl." He finally spoke. She was about to remind him that her birthday wasn't until tomorrow but it was as though he read her mind. "It's midnight, so technically it's already tomorrow." He added. He pulled his hand from behind his back to reveal the bouquet of roses he'd been hiding from her.

She felt speechless for a moment as she took them. "Elliot..." she trailed off but she didn't have to say more. He'd noticed the look of despair on her face when he'd first entered the precinct, despair that now seemed to dissolve in front of his eyes.

"They're beautiful," She finally spoke. "You shouldn't have." He smiled. It was the least that he could do for his partner of seven years. She'd been with him through difficult cases, the dissolution of his marriage... they'd been through hell and back together. Been through times that would have easily torn other partners apart, but not them.

He finally moved his other hand from behind his back and placed a small stereo on her desk. Olivia seemed confused for a moment as he pressed the play button and took the roses from her hands, setting them carefully on her desk. He took her hand in his own in a gesture that told her, he was asking to dance.

The feeling of her hand in his set her heart to racing as he pulled her closer to him and though she displayed a surprised look on her face, her heart wondered if she hadn't dreamed of this day for some time. She was against him now as they slowly danced, the words of the song took her breath away.

She found herself completely in his embrace, in the safety of him. It was then that she realized that ever since he'd come into her life, she'd never truly been alone. She relaxed now allowing herself to simply follow along with his movement. She could feel the beat of his heart against her and she silently wondered if he wasn't aware of her own racing heart.

The room was silent. There were no words between them, there didn't need to be. Tears stung her eyes but these were different from the tears that had been there earlier. She found herself happier than she'd ever been... here dancing in the embrace of her partner, her best friend. She rested her chin against his shoulder.

She smiled as a single tear made its way down her face to stain the shoulder of his jacket. Whether he sensed her emotion or whether it just seemed natural to him, he pulled her tighter to himself and she didn't pull away.

They continued to dance even as the song reached its end, the room again filling with silence the only sound, their steps on the floor and their steady breathing. And they danced to the rhythm of the their beating hearts, the last line of the song still lingering about them.

~ Kate

July, 2006

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--- Not Alone ---

Olivia pushed her hair on either side of her face back behind her ears as she made her way quickly out of the station house and began down the street. She was only partly aware of her partner's quick steps behind her as she pulled her coat tightly around herself to keep out the chilly, November wind.

For a moment, her ears tuned out the sounds of the busy Manhattan traffic, the sounds of blaring horns, of police sirens in the distance, of the many people walking along the same street as she was. She could hear only the sound of her own steps crunching on top of the fresh snow which had fallen the night before. Only the sound of her own steps... and her partner's.

But she never turned back. She had to sort this one out in her own head and she didn't stop walking until she reached the park. She sat down on a bench overlooking it and a moment later she could hear him sit down on the other end.

Her eyes remained focused forward, on the downcast sky, the heavy, gray clouds, on the light snow which now began to once again fall to the Earth. A sudden gust of wind sent a shudder through her and she wrapped her arms tightly around herself.

She cursed at herself, inwardly for allowing herself to once again get so close to a case. She'd felt for the young rape victim, possibly too much. She'd been unable to keep her contempt for the perp at bay during the interrogation. Now she wondered if she'd just cost them the case.

"Liv?" Her partner's voice broke into Olivia's thoughts but her gaze never strayed from the dark, heavy sky.

Elliot's concerned filled eyes were fixed on her as he began to question whether he should have followed her out of the precinct in the first place. Over their seven year partnership, they'd both worked cases that would sometimes get the best of them. Often times, they'd just needed some time to themselves to work through it alone. This one somehow felt different. She hadn't asked him too, but he felt he should be here, even if that meant sitting in silence. Whatever she needed to do.

For reasons even unknown to himself, he slid closer to her until there was no distance between them. She didn't move away, that had to be a good sign. For now, he turned his gaze toward the same gray sky as his partner.

"I guess I got too close to this one." He was surprised to hear her voice suddenly breaking the silence.

"All of those years watching my mother drown everything away." She shook her head, her eyes shifting toward the sidewalk. "And there was nothing I could do." She finally turned her gaze on him, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. She hadn't planned on confronting this 'ghost.' Not here... not today.

"I thought that I could help this girl... like no one was able to help my mother." She was no longer able to hold her emotions entirely back as a single tear streamed down her face. "Like I couldn't help my mother."

She turned away once again to silently brush the tears away. She hated feeling weak and ever since she could remember, showing emotion for herself, crying over her own feelings, her own memories, somehow made her feel weak even in front of him, the man she'd allowed to see more of her than anyone else.

He remained silent for a moment, unsure of what to say, unsure that any words were even right at the moment. Instead he placed his hand on her back in reassurance, rubbing it gently. Her deep brown eyes again rested on him at his touch. He'd surprised her but she realized now that all she needed to know was that she wasn't alone.

"You're helping this girl, Liv." He finally said softly. "When she was crying in that hospital, refusing to talk to anyone about what had happened to her, you got through." He reminded her. "We'll get this guy," he promised. "Just not today."

She nodded, focusing again on controlling her emotions.

"It's freezing out here." She commented as though noticing for the first time. "Let's get back to the precinct." She reluctantly stood. It felt good to sit so near to him. To feel his hand gently massaging her back.

Silence enveloped them once again as they started back, this time side by side. He seemed to sense her thoughts.

"Coffee later?" He finally asked, offering her a smile that made it impossible to say no, not that she'd planned too anyway.

She simply nodded, offering her own smile back. It was the first she'd been able to offer all day.

"My place?" She asked realizing that they'd both stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.

"Sounds great," He replied before they both reluctantly turned back toward the precinct as the snow continued to gently fall on the busy streets of Manhattan.

~ Kate

October, 2006