Just something I wrote a couple of days back....
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I'd thought about it so many times, you know? Walking out in the middle of the street. Just letting it happen. And never looking back. No regrets, no thoughts, no memories. But it's the thought of regret that had very well kept me from doing it. Would I regret it? I could never answer it so I never did it.
Could I have made them any more clear-- the thoughts in my head? And yet kept them all to myself at the same time. Maybe it's all in the timing but I guess the only thing that ever seemed to be made clear to me is that the timing was never right. So is this the right time? I guess, in a way, it has to be because there's simply no time left. At least not for me.
When I told you how I'd choose to die, I suppose I lied. Not in my answer but in the why of my answer. Cancer-- I'd always chose cancer explaining that I'd simply like the chance to prepair for my death, have time to right past wrongs, take back regrets and maybe leave a little something behind along the way. And yes, I guess that was a bit of the reason but most likely the smallest part of it.
It sounds selfish and wrong and that's why I'd always kept it to myself but have you ever wished to be just a little less invisable? Even if only for a month, a week, or even a moment? If you had, you'd have known what I was feeling. When you're dying people have to love you don't they? I suppose I'd always imagined my life to end in a sudden way almost like a slap to the face. I'd die and everyone would miss me only I wouldn't be around to see that they were crying.
See? Even now it feels a bit wrong to be typing it but what are thoughts without someone to share them with? It's nothing, that's exactly what it is and I guess in that, my life truly was nothing.
It's strange... how our darkest thoughts have a way of creaping up on us and becoming our reality. It was sudden, wasn't it? Only... I actually hadn't thought about this, not before it happened anyway. And now I find myself wondering exactly what I'd thought I would.
Is anybody crying?
~ Kate Taylor
August, 2007
